Miss Conceptions about Marriage:

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?

I Don't know if men are from mars and women are from Venus, but one thing I am sure of is that both have to live in a place called earth, preferably together.

For Women:

Your Husband is NOT:

• Your Punching Bag on whom you can take out all your stress
• Your Grocery Boy who would get things from the shops unconditionally
• Your Driver who would take you out for a jolly ride when ever you want
• Your Trash bin into which you can empty your nagging comments and verbal abuses all the time
• Totally responsible for your family's finances, at least have some respect for the poor guy
• As strong as you think he is; imagine your son under a torture of a women who has loaded him with unending responsibilities
  
  
  

For Men:

Your Wife is NOT:

• A vending machine who produces children
• A maid who cleans your house and clothes
• A nanny who babysits your kids
• A cook who cooks your food
• A dumb ass who cannot do anything other than cry
• As weak as you think she is
• A programming language that will work perfectly according to your instructions

For Men and Women:

Ok Ok I know I sound very rude. We all have the habit of taking people for granted especially our spouse. This post is just a reminder about that. Now coming to the climax. What is marriage?

Here is a verse from the Quran for you:

[30:21] "Among His proofs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, in order to have tranquility and contentment with each other, and He placed in your hearts love and care towards your spouses. In this, there are sufficient proofs for people who think."

I don't think there is need for any explanation now, the last line says it all. “In this, there are sufficient proofs for people who think.” So just THINK what to expect and give in marriage.

Expect nothing and give everything. I am not saying it, our creator said it.

Just for Today

I am going to reveal one of my secrets in this post. It is a poem/set of things to do in a day by Kenneth-L-Homes. I found this poem from a magazine called competition success review when I was around 13 years old. Ever since then I have cherished it. Although I don't read it or follow it everyday, it has been very useful during my difficult times. The lines in red is the actual poem and the once in blue are my views and experience with it.

Just for today, I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle my whole life problem
at once. I can do something for twelve hours
that would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for a lifetime.

“ Most of the time we fail to understand/realize that all the problems in life no matter how big it is, gets solved with time. If you think back about the problems which were bothering you few years back, you will realize that they don't exist any more or they are of no value today"

Just for today, I will be happy. This assumes to
be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that
"most folks are as happy as they make up
their minds to be."

“Truly said, happiness lies within ourselves.”

Just for today, I will try to strengthen my mind.
I will study. I will learn something useful.
I will not be a mental loafer. I will read
something that requires effort, thought and
concentration.

“Being a stay at home mom for around 5 years now, this part of the poem has really helped me grow within the four walls of my home. Reading books, surfing the Internet, learning new stuffs has been always been a part of my life. I feel more confident and useful despite of being with in the boundaries of my house. Knowledge is strength, the more you learn the stronger you get.” 

Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own
desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes,
and fit myself to it.

“It is easy to change ourselves than others.”

Just for today, I will exercise my soul in three
ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and
not get found out. I will do at least two
things I don't want to--just for exercise.
I will not show anyone that my feelings are
hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not
show it

“I always find it very difficult to find two things that I don't like :). Hiding hurt feelings helps you forget that you are hurt.”

Just for today, I will be agreeable. I will look
as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low,
act courteously, criticize not one bit, not
find fault with anything and not try to improve
or regulate anybody except myself.

“Good looks keeps confidence high.”

Just for today, I will have a program. I may not
follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will
save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

“Very true, things get done much before the expected time if you have scheduled them wisely.” 

Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all
by myself, and relax. During this half hour,
sometime, I will try to get a better perspective
of my life.

“Helps in gaining peace of mind.”

Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I
will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful,
and to believe that as I give to the world, so
the world will give to me.

“Fear reduces your productivity."

 -Kenneth L. Holmes

                                                                                                    - Umm Aaminah :P

The two things that You should never let your kids learn

When it comes to academics there are these two myths which are always taught to kids from a very young age in almost all the educational institutes. I am not even sure if they are myths or lies or may be one is a lie and the other is a myth. What ever they may be I remember believing in them and even supporting them. I do not want my kids to get deceived like how I was.

Now coming to the point, the two things I am talking about are:

1. The Darwin's theory and
2. Over Population

The theory that we were evolved from an ape is just a theory and not a fact but yet it is thought as a fact in the schools. You need to teach your kids that it is an impossible phenomenon, every creation is unique and nothing was evolved from the other. If evolution was true then why there was no evolution in the recorded history of the past 6000-8000 years? Evolution is a process according to the theory then why did it stop for so long? If it takes really long for evolution then we should have been able to see at least a trace of it, if fishes evolve into birds then we should have been able to record at least one fish which got at least one wing? What do you say? I personally think that this is a lie that was spread and not a theory. A lie to support Atheism. Just think about it. You don't want your kids to be atheist do you? If you want them to be one, then you can help them by just sending them to a school next door.

The country I come from is one of the most populous countries in the world, so from a very young age I was thought that the world is overpopulated and we need to take strict measurements to keep our population under check or else there would be scarcity in food, water etc. As a child I used to get very angry when I saw people with more than 2 kids for being so irresponsible citizens. I remember that in my generation there were hardly any friends who had more than one sibling I too belonged to the same category. I don't have more than two cousins from each pair of my uncles and Aunts. It was a trend to have 2 kids per family anything more was a big no no. But today when I look into our lives there is a void that cannot be filled. I wish I had more siblings to share with. All these parents now in their 40's – 50's are alone at their homes having nothing much to do in contrast to my grandma(birthed 9 kids) who is in her late 80's still has her kids with her. These parents even mentioned to me about their regrets for having taken such a decision. Its really sad to see the after effects when its too late to rectify anything. Yet, we get to learn from the past people's mistakes. We have better choices to make, Insha Allah.

By the way, your next concern would be about the increasing population, right? For your information, population explosion is a myth. You can do some research on it if you want and please do have a look at the video below, everything is well explained in it. Human beings are the greatest resources, by reducing them we are reducing our resources. Please start using your brains before it is too late.

How to Avoid Sibling Rivalry?

Rivalry between siblings depends  mostly on the personalities of the kids and partly on your parenting style. Although rivalry depends on their personalities I would be concentrating more on parenting style in this post. That's because it is easier to control our moves rather than their personalities.

Tips to Avoid Sibling rivalry:

1. Treat them as a group:
   1. Punish them equally if required: It is better to live them alone to solve their problems if they can. If you have to intervene, then DONOT take sides, punish them equally for their behavior even if you know that one of them is wrong. If you take sides you will sow a seed of hatred in their hearts.
      

      
      

Advantages:

1. They would try to solve their problem on their own rather than getting punished.
2. They would also encourage their sibling's good behavior in order to avoid getting punished.
3. They would work as a team to solve problems rather than fight to get their way.

2. Encourage them to help each other: Allow them to help each other in certain tasks like wearing clothes, searching their sibling's things, serving food for each other etc. For eg: My daughter(4 years old) helps my son( 2 years) to wear his clothes. My son accompanies my daughter when she has to go to a dark room lol. My daughter is scared of darkness and she needs a man to accompany her you know. :)
   

   

Advantages:

1. It creates a strong bonding between them.
2. They know that they have their sibling to ask for help and he/she is not his/her enemy.

3. Encourage them to understand each others likes and dislikes: Make them aware of each others likes and dislikes. My daughter likes salted snacks and my son likes chocolates, so when ever my son gives me a salted snack which he doesn't like I encourage him to give it to my daughter, so this makes him aware of her likes.
   

   

Advantages:

1. They see to it that their siblings get what they want when they are out for eg in a party, my daughter would save chocolates to give it to her brother. This again strengthens their relationship.

4. Encourage them to share: Let them eat from the same plate and drink from the same glass. This creates love between them. Help them to share toys for example when they fight for a toy in the kitchen set divert them by asking one of them to get you some tea and the other to get you some snack, this would again encourage them to play together. Also if possible reward them when they share their favorite stuffs. Make it very clear that there is nothing yours or mine in the house, everything is ours.

Advantages:

1. They would learn to co-operate and share with people as they grow.
   
   
   2.  Pray or Dua to reduce Sibling Rivalry:

Even after all your hard work you might not be able to reduce the rivalry between the kids, in that case or even otherwise prayers really work. Pray to Allah to create a strong bonding and love between them.

Here is a dua which I do when I feel that things are going out of control:

Recite Ya Rauf Ya Allah 70 times along with 10 duroods in the beginning and 10 at the end and blow on your kids.

Death

It was around 6:30 in the evening when I came downstairs after offering my magrib prayers. My cousin who had came down from my native along with her dad(my uncle) was waiting for me to join her for the evening tea. I had just sat near the table along with her when I heard a loud noise of something falling, but didn't take it seriously and started enjoying my tea along with the snacks which my mom had prepared. Soon after this there was a very strange noises coming from somewhere near, I cannot explain how the noises where but it sounded like water was trying to spew out of a broken pipe. I start to head towards the noise wondering which pipe in the house has broken, was it the bathroom pipe? Or may be the kitchen sink had clogged? Or may be..? I finally reached the source and guess what I saw? My dad had lost his conscious and fallen flat on his back and his body was spewing out from his mouth which was covering his face fully. His eyes, nose all covered with his vomit and he was still continuously spewing. It was a very strange sight, even today fear runs through my heart when I think of it. I can never forget it.

He seemed fine to me when I met him after my college that evening just a few hours ago. He had taken my cousin and my uncle to the CET (Common Entrance Test) cell, prayed his juma salat, went to hotel with them for lunch, brought them home safe. But then , when happened now?

Without wasting much of my time I called my uncle( he is a doctor actually). Mean while my mom came running from the kitchen. They started helping out my dad. She cleaned him and with in few seconds he was up. He started talking and said he was fine, but my uncle insisted to take him to hospital as his pressure was down. My dad couldn't walk due to giddiness so he was carried to the car by our neighbor and we headed towards a close by clinic.

There were two doctors their who started monitoring his heart and they where shaking their heads and discussing so many things with my uncle. Soon he was taken to the ICU. The doctors had given some prescription, me and brother who had come to the clinic directly from his office by then, went to the medical store inside the clinic, he brought the medicines and before he could pay he asked me to take it to the ICU.I entered the ICU with the medicines, I saw my dad lying there talking to the doctor explaining his discomfort. That was the last time I saw him alive. Soon after handing the medicines to a nurse there I came out. Just few minutes after that he died. Can you imagine, a person who was perfectly fine talking all the time till his last breath DIED.

This entire thing happened with in a span of 2 hours. My dear dad left us for ever. But I didn't cry, not a drop of tear came out of my eyes. I made my self strong and put all my burden on Allah. I knew that I have to move on cause my time is yet to come. This is the first death I saw in my entire life. I was twenty then. Till then I had just heard of people dieing here and there and never knew the seriousness about in.

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After this around 9 years later I saw my husband's grandma die in the ICU, I was very near her along with all her children one of them being my father in law. It was a slow death what I would call, she was bedridden for couple of months and was extremely sick for two days before she was taken to the hospital. I was extremely sad. It had become a bit difficult for me to control my tears, especially when I saw her children crying helplessly. But somehow I managed to control it. By now I knew what death is and what it was like to loose someone close to you. My life without my dad had made me weak.

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Just few month's after that my mother-in-law's father died. I had been with him for a very less time but those were one of the most precious times of my life. He was a wonderful human being. 

Soon after I heard about his death I started getting ready to go there. As I was changing my daughter's clothes who was 3 years old then asked me where we were going. When I told her that her great grandpa had died, and we are going to see him for the last time, her face become sad. She asked me in a pleading way: Why do people die Umma( Mummy in arabic)? I don't like it. Cant they be here? Why do Allah take them away? I want my grandpa. Now this time I couldn't control myself and burst out crying. I cannot handle any more deaths, it makes me weak day by day. Now even when a stranger dies I cry, because now I know how important and wonderful each and every human being is. The world might still move on but it will definitely miss that person no matter who he/she was.

When ever I read these ayaths in the Quran I cry:

And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.).

Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: "Truly! To Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return."

They are those on whom are the Salawat (i.e. blessings, etc.) (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided-ones.

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Finally this is a nasheed which reminds us of the once who have left us, I dedicate it to my friend's father who died recently because of kidney failure.

Dua to get labour pains

Usually tension starts building when you start nearing your due-date, and it blows out of proportion when the days go way beyond that( due-date). The sleepless nights and uncomfortable over sized tummy, with occasional kicks and punches from inside makes it difficult to get peace. This is actually the time to put your full trust in Allah and wait with patience to see his yet another wonderful creations. During these last days what you need to do is build up your imaan(faith in Allah), which is essential to deliver the child with confidence without  worrying too much about complications.

The next question now is how do you build that iman?

This is what you need do:  When you start nearing your due-date or when ever you get tired of waiting for your labour pain to trigger, just start walking around the house saying the 99 names of Allah, repeating each name around 150-200 times. As you chant these names just try to keep the meaning of that name in your mind for eg: When you are reciting the name YA Rahmanu YA Allah, draw a picture of Allah who is Rahman, the one full of mercy in your mind and tell yourself that my creator is merciful and he will shower his mercy on me and my unborn child. This way you might take a couple of days to finish reciting all these names. Unto your surprise you will notice that each and every name of Allah has  to do something with your labour pain and your unborn child as you recite them. Don't overdo it, walk with medium pace and stop when ever required.

The names and meanings of Allah is available on various websites on the net, just google for it.The above said dua worked for me. I was 2 weeks past my due-date but I delivered a healthy baby just one day after I had finished reciting all the names of Allah in the above said manner. All praise be to him.

And lastly what I want to add is that, the due date is just a rough estimation, only Allah knows the actual date, time and place of delivery. I cannot give an authentic report but i have read a book on shafi fiqh in which it was writtern that the period of gestation can be from 6 months to 4 years!!In fact shafi imam was inside his mother's womb for 2 years!! I cannot prove this to you but I believed in it when I crossed my due-date and prayed Allah to give me an easy delivery which he did.

I would suggest you to wait beyond the due-date unless and untill you feel there is any complication. You must go to the doctor if you think there is a problem, you can judge better than others in this case.May Allah make it easy for all the epectant moms. Ameen.

Who is an Engineer?

I was a bit concerned when I saw an educational video for kids about jobs and occupation where in which it says that an Engineer is someone who builds roads and buildings. Being an Electronics engineer myself I know that this is not the right definition of an engineer, its actually the definition of a civil engineer. The definition of an engineer is a bit complected for a 4 year old to understand but is it right for us to teach them the wrong definition? 

The definition of an Engineer which I found from wikipidea is: “An engineer is a professional practitioner of engineering, concerned with applying scientific knowledge, mathematics and ingenuity to develop solutions for technical problems. Engineers design materials, structures and systems while considering the limitations imposed by practicality, safety and cost.”

I am sure that most of us know that it is really very difficult for a 4 year old to understand this. So I decided to put this definition in simple terms so that my child could understand who an engineer is.I would teach her that “An engineer is someone who creates things that are essential for us in our day to day life. Most of the things that we see around us like the ceiling fan,the computer, the mobile, the washing machine,the mixer, from the medicines that we take to the airplanes and automobiles in which we travel are all designed and created by engineers."

Engineers are NOT technicians:

I am going one step ahead to explain who engineers are. Most people don't seem to understand the difference between an engineer and a technician. Being an electronics engineer I usually find people coming to me with a broken mobile to repair it!! What I want to explain in this section is that a person holding a degree in Electrical engineering cannot necessarily repair your electrical appliances!!

When considering a problem and potential solutions, an engineer has to try to find the best solution that meets the requirements and is financially feasible. Some solutions would work or are too expensive, another solution might work, but would take too long to develop. Typically a project has very specific time and money limitations, requiring an engineer to make difficult decisions. And sometimes, a project is simply impossible given the requirements and existing technology.

Engineers frequently work on teams to design a product or solution. Teams often consist of an engineering leader and a number of senior engineers and entry level engineers. In many cases, engineers from multiple disciplines work together on a project, for example an automobile requires mechanical engineers to design the engine and computer/software/electrical engineers to design the control systems and electronics. So if you call a person holding a Mechanical engineering degree to repair your broken automobile he "might" not be of any help :) .

The person who repairs all these equipments is known as a technician. In short Engineers develop/design systems while Technicians support those systems. As such, Engineering and Technology are complementary fields. Engineers need to start from a theoretical framework in order to develop/design systems while technicians need to understand how those systems work in order to support them.

Potty Training a Myth

Well this is a major task that most of the mother's find overwhelming. You would have read many articles and methods on the web explaining potty training. ..like bribing candies, a gift for so many stickers, keeping timing and taking them to the potty every 1 hr and the list goes on. So many websites selling various products, books, ideas, dolls etc for potty training.

Well let me just ask a question, what's wrong with all of you? Did you train our baby to crawl? To walk? To cry ? To laugh? Did you spank them for being Couple of months late to walk? Did you bribe them to crawl fast? Then why are you wasting so much of energy, time, and money for the potty training? Don't you know that Potty training is just another physical development of your child like all the others mentioned above? Just think about it. Have you seen any adult who is not potty trained?

Answer to all questions and concerns in your mind:

>>My parents/in-laws say that kids get potty trained early if we try.

You don't have to worry about people criticizing you if your child is in diapers for a longer time, its not your fault. Your child may be a little slow. That doesn't make him dumber than the once who are potty trained earlier than his/her age. If a child walks couple of years earlier that doesn't make him smarter than the rest. Every individual have their own pace of learning various tasks.

>>He/she would not be able to get control if it becomes too late?

Do you think a child who has control will go in her/his pants? Wait for them to get control believe me she/he will try not to go in her/his pants.

>>Keeping a child in diapers will reduce his control on his bladder?

Using a diaper has nothing to do with his control it only makes him unaware of his bodily discharge. A diapered child is unable to understand that there is a physical fluid discharge coming out of his body. So your duty is to show him the discharge when ever possible, you could keep him diaper free for few hours in his early stages say around 18months (this again the mother has to decide depending on the understanding level of the toddler) for a couple of hours or so just to show him that there is a fluid coming out.

>>Then how will he learn to use potty?

You show him use the potty or his siblings using it. So that he understands the whole process. Toddlers love to imitate their elders. Make him sit on the potty seat (there are toddler potty seats that can be fixed to your potty seat)just for fun and be very glad if he actually uses it. After you think he is wanting to use the potty with full will try leaving him diaper free for longer hours asking if he wants to use potty occasionally. If there are more number of accidents that tires you put him back to diapers and try later this means he is not able to control his bladder yet.

This works believe me you dont have to hit your head on the walls for it. With my second child(son) I never seriously tried to potty train him at all. As a common saying “the second child is the lucky one”. I left him diaper free for couple of hours in the mornings when he was around 18months. He used to get so scared to see his fluid that he would come running to me. And I would just smile and tell him that it is his pee and take him to the potty and tell him that your pee should go in that and wash him. I did it for just a week. Then I showed him me using the potty. He would also see his sis using it. Then I tried it after he was two. He had gained more bladder control by then and had very few accidents. He was fully trained with in 10-15 days after that.

Seriously I feel I had done nothing, I never got stressed. He learned it himself. Believe me if he can learn like that any child can, only the timing may be different. If your child has more accidents than you can handle put him back to diapers as soon as possible before you lose your temper and try later. It Will Work Insha Allah. And its never too late.

Why have Kids?

Look how kids can change you for good:

They help you to:

•  Increase your patience.

Measuring tolerance level  in a scale of 1 to 10, if your tolerance level was  0 before you gave birth to your first child, After her/his  birth it may increase  to say 2 insha Allah, after your second child’s birth its level may  increase to 5. So imagine if you have 10 kids J !

No wonder why women who birth 10 gets Jannah.

So patience is directly proportional to the number of kids you have.

•  To be selfless and sacrificing

It is very difficult to have something of your own, they come and ask for it. You cannot even eat a sweet without sharing a piece with them they come and ask for it no matter where you go and hide J, they are aware of all my moves..the little detectives.

You would prefer to buy clothes, books and toys for them from the money that you had kept aside for your own clothes J.

You sometimes will go to bed without food if they eat your share especially if the food was tasty.

•     To be active

They won’t let yousleep when they are awake. And you will haveto finish most of the work when they are asleep.

•   To be creative and entertaining

                                                              

You have to keep thinking of new ideas to keep them busy when you work on my laptop or when you cook food for them.

•   To be good to others

When you scold or use bad language with others, they catch up very soon. You will see them doing the same with in no time, so you need to be very careful.

•   To be a good cook

They can starve for days if the food doesn’t turn out to be tasty.                                                                                   

•    To be a good nurse

                                                 

You will have to keep track of their medicine’s schedule and stay awake at night if they are not well. You will have to wash and cloth them and take care of their hygiene.

• To be a good teacher

                                            

You need to teach them to live as they grow and inculcate good values in them Insha Allah.

•     To be a good cleaner

                                                         

You should be ready with a broom and mop all the time to keep the place clean when they are awake. They dirty the floor with in no time, they spill fluids they throw toys every ware etc etc.

Keeping the house clean would be a dream come true if you have kids.

• To organize yourself

                                               

You will have to keep track of the time that you need to do each task and schedule them.

•   To be good laundress

                                                     

They spill many things on their clothes and cleaning them is a nightmare.

•  To be a loving person

                                                             

They are very caring and loving and their kisses, hugs and the smile on their face will show it all. They melt your heart and make you soft.

•  Understand your value and take care of your health

                                                 

In order to do all these you will need to take care of yourself so that you are healthy enough to give them your time and love. You will feel needed and important.

•   To be a good Wife

                                                      

You will try to argue and nag your husband less when you see the sad faces of your kids after you both have a fight. This will help you to improve your relationship with  your spouse.

•    Last but not the least; they will help you get closer to Allah

                                                      

I can’t explain the gratitude that you will have towards your lord for giving you these blessings. Any amount of sujud you do to him will not be sufficient to compensate for the blessings of a healthy child that he gives you.

And I pray Allah to give kids to all those couples who are struggling to have them.